Breathing through it.

I don't really feel like writing. Like ever. But particularly today. However, I think I need it as a bit of therapy.

Over the past few days, I've been feeling a mounting sadness. At first I thought it was just stress and residual stress from the student Halloween party I was put in charge of. I was happy to do it, but I had to front the money and put it all together. I had a bit of help, but when I really needed it, many of the people who said they would help out, didn't come through; and an almost worst feeling came from the people who didn't even offer to help at all. Not that anyone should have had an obligation to help me; but if there were a role reversal, I would feel compelled to help out a friend-- especially if it seemed like they were drowning in work. Regardless, it all got done in time, despite a few roadblocks. But day-of I really didn't get the help I needed. However, I don't think the students really knew the difference. Its just frustrating that the games I worked so hard on weren't even able to be enjoyed by the kids because there was no one to man the tables. It was partially circumstantial because we had a total of 115 students and only expected maybe 50! So great job advertising, but I had asked that all teachers who had students coming be present (and sober) at the student party. Didn't happen, but I suppose its a lesson for future parties.

I don't know what else is wrong. I think its a lot of small things just seeming to pile on now. I miss my family, and the people I work with tend to forget that I'm 6000+ miles away from them. Many of my friends have totally awesome signif others, so its hard to be upset that they're spending time with someone else; but I do feel a little lonely especially since I'm batting 1000 with men here. I feel completely disrespected by some teachers here. I would expect the kids to behave disrespectfully, but not the adults. I understand that there is a sort of hierarchy of respect here that I don't fit neatly into; but I would think that maybe even though I'm probably closer to the bottom of the totem pole, my up and leaving my family/culture/life to come and learn their culture and enrich their children might gain me a few points on the respect scale. Or not. I love these kids, and the thought of leaving them makes me really sad, but there are things that I want and I don't know if I can/want to go another year without those things and goals.

Something to think about over the next month or so.